Riven from her that used to kiss
Away my troubles and my fears;
Her warm lips once soothed away my tears.
If I'd been given any choice,
She never would have heard my voice
Unfeeling, cruel and far away
From where my own true sentiments lay.
And I have spoken to her since,
And it seems she will convince
Herself it's better we did part;
She told me that I broke her heart.
With calmer mind but crippled soul
I'm at the diametric pole
And though many months have passed
My heart is broken too at last.
Now sleep is stolen, all is ashes,
There is no solace in the world.
My angel-light in fearful darkness
Tortured as my mind unfurled.
She strove so hard and gave so much,
But so much is all that one can bear,
Her heart and soul were wounded, bleeding.
But mania hid away my share.
I must have seemed so cruelly heartless,
Not gentle, tender, loving, kind.
My soul that loved her deeply,
Locked deep in my wounded mind.
Ah darling, darling! please forgive me!
You were the one that took my heart
And gave it all your shining beauty
And drove away the binding dark.
You gave me that most precious gift,
That I wondered so to feel,
By every facet of your beauty
My wounded troubled heart was healed.
So precious are you to me darling
For every soothing of my heart,
That I should hurt and lose you is
The deepest cut and cruellest dart.
(c) Tales of Seamus 2004 - 2012
Ah darling, darling! please forgive me!
You were the one that took my heart
And gave it all your shining beauty
And drove away the binding dark.
You gave me that most precious gift,
That I wondered so to feel,
By every facet of your beauty
My wounded troubled heart was healed.
So precious are you to me darling
For every soothing of my heart,
That I should hurt and lose you is
The deepest cut and cruellest dart.
(c) Tales of Seamus 2004 - 2012
Meliha said: Well, it's really just about your ego, isn't it? Your ego enjoyed her love, took you a while to realise that she's so hurt that she's gone, now that you've noticed your ego is depleted, you want her love back, without much concern for her well being even after you say: I must have seemed like a 'right prick' - hmm
ReplyDeleteThe key lines are 'If I'd been given any choice' and 'Mania hid away my share'. This is a poem about the end of a relationship where I was deeply and profoundly affected and changed by a manic phase of bipolar disorder, changing my thinking personality and emotions in a way beyond any control of mine - this was before proper diagnosis or treatment. I hope that help you understand what I meant more clearly :)
Thanks for you generally positive comments too. Yes, more to come!
:) Well, I'm positive even about this poem in terms of the way it's written, but the subject matter, I find disturbing. OK, I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, if you knew anything about me you would know I'm a good person, will suffer great torment to keep my heart pure; but I also have huge respect for knowledge, so I have to share ideas and be open, which, sometimes ends up hurting someone. However, I don't think the pain is all that much, poarticularly considering the gain: knowledge!
ReplyDeleteOK, so I'll start. Honestly, I'm not convinced, I still say it's about your ego and it sounds like you want to blame it on something else - be a man! :)
Looking at Seesaw for Seamus, neither of the two sides sounds 'evil' and to ignore someone's pain, over a long period of time (how long it takes to break a heart and then "And though many months have passed
My heart is broken too at last." - so long time) is evil. It is about being too cold to even think about, even if we were talking about two strangers, let alone two people in a 'closer-than-close' romantic relationship; not even sure if it is a relationship if one person invests their heart and the other is there to... take it? abuse it? - this is not my definition of a relationship :)
Let me ask you this: You want forgivness in the poem, but you don't say why?
I think the most real part of this is:
If I'd been given any choice,
She never would have heard my voice - to me, this almost reads like: fate introduced us, damn fate for doing that to her - not that you are blaming just fate, you get your role in it, but everything that had a role in introducing you to her is at fault and did wrong.
if you had kept the whole thing along these lines, that would have been fine. And it was these lines that made me read the whole poem. But, as I read on, it changed. So, if it was about this cruel thing you did to someone who loved you and was a positive in your life, and you went on to talk about your regret and how you wish you could make it up to her, then it would have been fine. But to expect forgivness, and to talk about how you are hurting, how you are the 'poor little darling' in it all; ay, ay, ay. :) - no, no understanding from me. Sorry. :)
But, really, you have a gift for writing, though, when you publish, you open your self to this kind of cr@p :)Once again, sorry, best intentions I swear.
I am glad that this poem is stimulating such debate and of course I am not offended - you rightly point out that I put it in public.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to be 'convinced' but that is what the poem is about. I don't want to blame it on something else - I do blame it on something else and for a long time I did damn fate and still do on other occasion when things happen that are very hard but no-one's fault.
I have found that most people do not understand or do not accept the fundamental and pervasive power of a severe manic state to profoundly alter every aspect of a person - including an altered perception and ability to empathise. It can be a truly profound illness and of course you look, and to some degree, can even seem, relatively normal.
In a general sense it is important to say at this point that every mania is different and has different aspects to different degrees. Also people soon alter their views on this when a close friend or family member or themselves are affected by a mental health issue and see it close to hand. This particular girl for example turned to me years later to talk about a family member.
I didn't want forgiveness, I wanted understanding.
I wrote this poem both in deep distress and also in a deep depressive phase, so deep that the crisis team were involved. It just pours out the anguish in my heart those years ago, my despair at the cruelty my illness can visit on both myself and those in my life.
On a positive note, things are much better for me now with a proper diagnosis and treatment as I hope you can see from a poem like 'Blade' :)
I'm so pleased you are better and you are right, I do not understand mental disorders at all. I'm not sure if my father is all there and I come from a country that went through a horrific war, followed by huge injustice that we still live in, so metal disorders are here 'ordered' :) Most people are affected, but even there, that seems like a mind thing that can so easily be shadowed by heart. For me, it's not even possible to imagine having someone in my heart and my mind can take over. I hope you don't mind if I ask you a question, please feel free to ignore it; during the time, was there anyone you did care about? And, was there anyone telling you what reality is? Perhaps there were more than one person telling you what reality is, if so, who did you listen to and why? - I know, that's more than one; if curiosity killed tha cat, it's sweet torment for humans.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that girl is still around you, that's pretty cool. Perhaps you're lucky and found a girl with huge understanding... :)
And lastly, yeah, this poem stimulated a debate kind of by accident - I was really interested in the 'seesaw for Seamus', but I'm always fascinated by men who think they should be forgiven (and every man has excuse - one guy destroyed my material world, of course in addition to the whole heart thing, and still acted like he's the victim and expected understanding or something; God knows, but he was a unique case and I do NOT compare the extreme of that with anything here, I'm really just fascinated with the idea) and annoyed at weird women who do forgive and let him do it over and over (this is what makes men think 'can't be a big deal', 'yeah, she'll forgive'), while the woman looks to her female friends for support - not sure who to blame: the guy or the girl, so I have zero tolerance for cr@p like that.
I wonder if I left a post on 'Blade' would that take us anywhere new? :) hmm...
Okay - big subjects here!
ReplyDeleteWhich country are you from? I can't understand your experiences very well if at all, I only know my own to any degree, and that takes some doing. We can only dimly perceive through the lens of our our own experience 'but through a glass darkly' after all.
During my severe manic phase, about which this poem revolves, I still cared about people, but was just 'other'. A characteristic of mania is commonly referred to as 'flights of ideas'. My own experiences of this are, in huge brief, whatever is in your head is utter law and always was and will be, a kind of horrific certitude. It is far more horrific than this though, a new thought or state of mind might come and contradict the other but is equally certain. Choice is not possible. That's all I can say on this matter at this time but it is something I must write about so thank you for reminding me :) hard as it is to address.
No-one could tell me what reality was. I saw reality incontrovertible.
The girl isn't still around, our lives are long on separate paths, but I am glad she could turn to me on these issues - there was some healing there.
Regarding the last paragraph of your post, I'm sorry to hear that, but why should there be any distinction between men and women regarding blame and responsibility or praise and admiration? There should not. There should be only justice, and in this world that responsibility lies in the human heart. Appealing to culture, gender, conformity etc. is useless or worse without reference to the heart. In this sense the mind is often the worst enemy too. The heart, often downtrodden, is truer and more beautiful.
Read 'Blade' again - it's very new and it would hearten me to know what you make of it. The poem heartens me a great deal! o/
Oh, getting into some cool discussions now; I should warn you; when it comes to men/women I can run on for hours, days, weeks, years :)
ReplyDeleteI'm from Bosnia.
Understanding experiences is tough and no sign, IMO, of someone's state of mind - in fact, I think the better your mind works, the more you struggle to grasp some things; might be because you get used to grasping stuff, so when you can't it's a shock and you apply yourself to get over it.
Many people are sorry when they hear my story and, though it changes nothing, I am thankful to each person.
I hope you will write more about the state as I'd love to know more, and I also hope you will find it easier than you expected, and far more rewarding than you could have imagined. :)
Well, the girl still did far more than I would do - she really is very nice :) To ask for help from someone who hurt you is big, no matter how much she needed it. In fact, you could argue that the more she needed it, it would have been harder for her to turn to 'you' of all people. Then again, what do I know of your situation except that you broke her heart and I know how that feels... This leads me to the other point: in my experience, my heart was broken at the same time and by the same person who destroyed my material world. Bigger factor was the material world, because, one, it was insulting taking away my freedom, and two, it also hurt other people I love - this loss will remain with me for as long as I live, there is nothing that will ever make up for it, and every time I see them I'm reminded. Hence, it is not surprising that when it comes to the 'heartbreak' I got over that pretty quickly to the point that I don't think I ever had feelings for him in the first place. My point is, when heart injects, if one side is hurting another, the heart will remove the side causing pain to the other - mind has nothing to do with it. So there was love I had for other people and for myself, those people and I were being hurt, my heart rejected the origin of that pain. Like wise, I'm struggling to grasp how you can love someone and cause them pain, and that your heart does not inject and reject the 'cause' of the pein you are causing the one you love? There's the possibility of not being aware of their pain; in other words, you failed to see something you should have seen. This is why I asked if you were informed of the pain you were causing the one you love, but you still went on and caused it. Another side is that when you love someone your hearts are connected (there are people who don't believe in this, but I do :)) in some secret way, so when the heart of your loved one is breaking, your heart notices it - this is why I asked if you felt love for other people, because that would indicate that your mind wasn't strong enough to remove all messages your heart sent.
Now, the men vs women :) I agree with you that justice is unversal and, as I claimed in my book, I believe empathy is the only thing that can keep a society in true peace. However, when it comes to relaitonships (looking at disfunctional ones) usually one side is to blame more than the other. It is not about blaming a man or a woman, blame is distributed on individual basis :) And when a wrong is done to someone, justice requires a form of compensation and/or punishment; right?
I'll go look at 'Blade' now :)
From your first paragraph - do you mean a quick mind that usually perceives things in one stop and easily struggles perhaps even more than a mind more used to working to perceive on some things? This makes some sense to me.
ReplyDeleteI do intend to write more about mania, depression and what lies inbetween for people with BPAD as part of my intention is to educate as well as to gain some catharsis and better understanding myself of course, into myself, human nature, and the condition itself.
I think concern for the person who was ill was the primary motive for contacting me (regarding the girl) but also I think she had realised the power of mental illness to govern people's behaviour can be most profound.
In answer to your next point - In my altered state I rejected everything outside myself as having an impact on my opinions - I didn't see myself as causing pain or doing anything wrong, I could do no wrong - this egocentrism is common in mania and can extend to delusions of special powers and so on. It certainly has with my at my worst manic times. It just isn't fair to apply normal judgements to someone so altered. They need help, I wasn't getting any at the time.
I agree about justice in the general sense. In individual cases it often has to be resigned. It is not surprising so many appeal to a supreme justice or karma.
I shall take a look at 'Blade' now too!
1st question - Yes.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do write more about it.
Hmm... I'm still trying to grasp how it can happen that you ignore pain of someone you love over a long period of time. I know mental illness can have a great effect on a human, even drive them to kill, but... Killing is instant and it doesn't give the image of pain, which, to someone who doesn't function on basis of imagining the consequence of their actions, many not seem like anything at all. Is there any chance you didn't love that girl? That now, retrospectively, you wish you did and out of fondness for her love (or whatever reason), you'd like to believe you did? - In case it's not obvious I do believe love has certain power and I'm kind of testing this here. Hope you don't mind.
Alright, but if we say that you didn't do anything wrong, wouldn't the pain of someone you love still hurt you? So, it's not just about was ti your fault or not, its about a person you love being in pain.
Love some good old karma :)
No, I loved her and was just ill - look up experiences of mania - they are very varied but include things like totally out of character affairs and risk taking, business gambling or physical.
ReplyDeleteI agree love has power but so do other things too.
The poem is an anguished scream really, from the perspective of self mainly but its about cruelty and upset imposed on both parties, undeserved.
Right... Well, perhaps I should re-think my theory of love :) or I'll have to look for someone who agrees with me...
ReplyDeleteIn any case, thanks for sharing. As I said before, well written and I like that I had a chance to read them.
It's not just love though - it's love and mental illness so normal rules do not necessarily apply all the time.
ReplyDeleteNormal rules do not apply, but do any rules apply? I thought that mind can shadow the emotions (heart) for a moment, but then the heart would take over - this is why a someone could kill a loved one, but not torment them; the time it takes to kill is short, while torment lasts long enough for the brain to register heart's voice, and, when heart speaks, other ograns obey. This is my view. I'm not saying I'm right, but so far this has been my experience, so I'm looking to see if there is something I've missed, or perhaps you have missed something I could point you to. :) This is why I asked whether it's possible you didn't really love the girl, at least at the time. Maybe you have strong, positive feelings about her now (I don't think I could call them love because if you didn't love her when she loved you, then I don't think it's possible you could ever lover her, at least not for her, maybe for what she represents to you, but not for her, just her as a person). Perhaps in your search for a path out of the 'darkness' you found a 'map' and recognised it is something she left you? I know I would be very grateful to that person and honour them fromt he core of my being, but I couldn't claim to love them...
ReplyDeleteJust a reminder; I'm here really looking for truth and knowledge and nothing else. I don't need to be proven right, I just need to prove what is right.
All the best!
Hello Meliha, this is a bit of a long shot, but if you read this message it would be really good to have discussions again
ReplyDelete8 years later!
I hope all is well with you.